Potty Time

There is nothing more in this world that I hate more than public restrooms. They are all gross. I really wish we could just dump everything out once a day at our own personal toilet. Instead we have bathroom's anywhere and everywhere possible because God made a fatal error in designing the human body.
But a normal trip to the bathroom goes something like this:
First you go to grab the diseased ridden handle that everyone's hands have been on before they go to the bathroom...bad start. (also am curious why we don't wash our hands BEFORE we go to the bathroom...)
Then once you are in the stall you go to grab one of those seat protectors kindly provided by the management and proceed to pull it out. Except somehow you happened to get a wrong angle on the toilet seat cover and end up tearing it in half or only pulling a portion out. So you crumble it up and throw it in the toilet. Finally, after a few tries, you get one all in one piece. So you put it on the toilet and start to pull down everything. Then as you sit on the toilet, a small breeze, catches the toilet seat cover and as you are in mid squat it falls into the toilet and BAM you butt is now on the EXPOSED toilet seat! You then start to freak out, but then you really have to pee so you just go and hope that the germs and diseases don't have enough time to latch onto your butt.
Then you go to get toilet paper and of course, it's not there. So as every smart woman would do, you grab another toilet seat cover. of course, this one comes out perfectly after you have relieved your urge to pee.
So you bundle it up and use it to wipe. Not really as effective as toilet paper but better than nothing, and better than having to either ask someone to pass you toilet paper, or running to another stall with your pants only buttoned...not zipped...to get toilet paper only praying that someone does not come into the bathroom.
Once that is taken care of you then get up and put everything back in it's place. This is my favorite part because now I get to tuck everything back in to perfection and I can look sharp again.
So as you turn around to flush you realize that you don't want to touch the flushing mechanism. So now you are in a wild west shootout with the flushing mechanism. But wait! you are smarter than this, you use your foot! so now you proceed to lift your foot up, all the while not wanting to touch the walls of the bathroom stall trying to keep your balance with the 3 inch heels that you put on today (damnit!). And just as you are about to fall you flush and are safe!
So now, it is time to go wash your hands. You exit the stall and turn the water on, you look for soap and you start to pump the dispenser, for every 10 pumps you get one drop. After about 60 pumps you get enough to wash your hands, but of course the little timer on the water has now turned the water off. So with soap in your hands you push down the knob. Hands go under the water, and of course it is freezing cold. How effective is cold water? So hands a now washed and you go to get some paper towels. And because the public bathroom is out to get you, it is a motion sensor one, so you wave your hand in front of the little red light and a sheet comes out. But you want more than one, you want like 3 or 4. So you pull off the paper and start waving your hand again in front of the red light. No luck though, you have to wait for the red light to stop blinking before you can get another one. So you wait and get another one, but you don't want to wait again so you just settle with the 2 towels and be on with it.
Now you are faced with the door again! Fortunately, you were smart enough and kept the paper towel you used so that you can open the door. So once you open the door you wedge it with your foot in order to keep it open and you realize that there is nowhere to throw the paper towel and because you have just been through hell and back just so you could pee, you THROW the paper towel one the floor and march out of there!
Gosh, I wish we only had to go once a day because in another 30 min. I'll have to pee again because I drank so much DAMN water today!